


The Problematic Points of Life

by heartofspells



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-17
Updated: 2013-06-17
Packaged: 2017-12-15 07:55:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/847132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartofspells/pseuds/heartofspells
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><strike>Sirius isn't sure how his day went from being potentially good to so horrifically boring. All he knows is that --</strike> It's all the tomato's fault.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Problematic Points of Life

**Author's Note:**

> This is honestly nothing but a random little thing that started from me being bored at work one night, being in a humourous mood, and asking [acidbathory](http://archiveofourown.org/users/acidbathory/pseuds/acidbathory) for a list of random prompts. Two years later, we have this! Also, large amount of thanks to [acidbathory](http://archiveofourown.org/users/acidbathory/pseuds/acidbathory) for the quick, wonderful, and hilarious beta job!  
> The prompts were: chocolate, tomato, Star Wars, orange, vacuum, numbers, bricks, handle bars

It starts with a tomato. A very large and formidable tomato that has survived while the rest of their food supplies have perished and – Merlin bless it – even thrived. Sirius hates this tomato, even though he’s named it Sam. All things Sirius hates must have a name, otherwise it’s just ridiculous.

It is Sirius’ turn to do the food shopping. Which Sirius also hates. He has put it off for weeks now, knowing that eventually Remus would give up on his crusade to teach Sirius any slight form of responsibility and simply do it himself. It seems, however, that Remus is being extra persistent this time, for all their cupboards are bare and the only thing Sirius is left with is a tomato named Sam. Sirius hates tomatoes. 

Sirius wonders, not for the first time, where Remus has been eating. He suspects the Potters’, but every time Sirius goes round and tries to nick a few meals, Lily catches him with a harsh tongue and an even harsher hex. James just laughs. Sirius thinks it’s a conspiracy against him and his stomach.

Sirius glares balefully at the vegetable – or is it a fruit? – as though it is to blame for all his problems and hunger pains.

'So!' he says accusatorily. 'What say you to the mess you’ve created?' Sam continues to sit silently on the window ledge, completely still and very, very red. Sirius secretly thinks it should be illegal for a tomato this old to still be so red. They are supposed to rot. Sirius assumes Remus has charmed the blasted thing to stay fresh, just for spite.

Turning his back on the very unhelpful Sam, Sirius begins to ponder the probability of Remus doing the food shopping if Sirius was to bribe the man with chocolate. He is then befuddled as to just exactly _where_ he would acquire such chocolate if he is so decidedly against food shopping. His mind muses over all the possibilities and finally lands on Mrs Downstairs’ young son and his ever-present chocolate biscuits.

Twenty minutes later, Sirius has devised a very strategic plan for biscuit extraction when the front door opens and Remus walks into the flat, saving Sirius from certain doom and destruction by an angry mother.

'Moony!' he all but shouts.

Remus pauses and glances around himself warily, making Sirius think that the man is possibly checking for dungbombs. Or maybe flesh-eating flobberworms; Sirius can never be sure with Remus.

'’Lo,' Remus finally replies, his eyes meeting Sirius’ before flickering to the tomato. Sirius is convinced he sees Remus’ mouth quirk up in the smallest of smirks. The evil prat. 'What are you doing, Sirius?'

'Nothing,' responds Sirius, quickly shuffling sideways to hide the tomato. 

Remus’ eyes narrow as he studies Sirius. 'You’ve been planning something,' he states after a short moment.

Sirius allows his jaw to drop, looking utterly affronted. 'I have not!' Remus merely stares at him and Sirius eventually gives up. 'All right, fine. I was trying to think of a way to bribe you into going food shopping. I’m bloody well _starved_!'

Remus rolls his eyes and moves further into the kitchen, leaning against the counter next to Sirius. 'You’re going to have to go yourself eventually, Sirius.'

'Probably,' concedes Sirius before he grins. 'But not today.'

Remus huffs and barely disguises his amusement. 'All right. I invited James and Lily over tonight. _I’ll_ go shopping, you can stay here. And clean.'

Sirius’ face falls at the word. 'Aw, Moony.'

Remus smiles as he makes his way from the kitchen. 'It won’t kill you,' he says. 'Run that vacuum we never use a bit.'

'I hate the vacuum,' grumbles Sirius as he follows Remus. 'It always tries to eat my trouser legs.'

'So don’t wear trousers,' tosses Remus over his shoulder.

'You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Dirty, naughty werewolf.' Remus turns when he reaches the door and grins devilishly. 'No, really, Remus. I _hate_ the vacuum. Frank is evil.'

'You hate everything. And I know this,' adds Remus quickly before Sirius has an opportunity to open his mouth, 'because you name the things you hate. And almost everything in this flat possesses a name.' Sirius pouts as Remus pauses for a thoughtful moment. 'Named Frank after Frankenstein, if I remember correctly.'

Sirius’ pout turns into a grin. 'That was clever, you have to admit.'

Remus merely hums noncommittally. 'Hop to,' he commands, closing the door quickly behind him before Sirius can object anymore.

Sirius stands staring at the door, mouth hanging open like a fish, for a full thirty seconds before he realises he had best go and fetch Frank from the hall cupboard if he'd like to sleep in their bed tonight instead of on Phyllis, their horribly orange sofa. So, figuring this is his best option and grumbling the entire time, Sirius does just that. He fiddles with the cord for a lengthy minute, finally managing to fit it into the wall after untangling himself no less than three times and the vacuum sputters to life with a frightful – and only slightly wheezy – roar. And then immediately lunges across the floor to chew up the end of Sirius' left trouser leg, causing him to have to give Frank's bag a good box before it will release him. 

Two seconds later, and what Sirius will always consider to be retaliation for the decent whomping he had provided it with, the bag explodes, scattering brown dust and other various debris around the room. Sirius is still sitting among the wreckage, coated in dirt, when Remus returns.

Remus takes one silent look around, his eyes lingering on the unidentified yellow goop hanging from the ceiling which Sirius had been studying when he had walked through the door, before shaking his head and saying, 'I know, you don't have to say anything. This is why you don't do housework.'

Sirius opens his mouth, coughs out a puff of dust, then closes it again. Remus' lips twitch as he pulls out his wand and clears the room of dirt and unidentified coloured goops. He then takes Sirius' dust-covered hand and leads him into the kitchen, positioning him in front of the sink. He taps the tip of his wand against Sirius' dirty head and everything but the other man's face is clean and fresh. Sirius' eyes follow him as Remus leans around his body and wets a cloth, then gently begins to wipe Sirius' face clean.

Sirius closes his eyes as Remus works, thousands of different thoughts struggling for purchase in his mind. Remus saves Sirius' lips for last, running the cloth across them with the softest strokes. When he's finished, he leans forward and kisses Sirius, and suddenly, there's only one thought vying for attention inside Sirius' head as the kiss becomes more heated, more desperate, and Sirius begins grappling with the other man's shirt.

'James and Lily will be here soon,' says Remus breathlessly when he finally pulls away. Sirius deflates immediately because that was _not_ the thought he was having. 

'Sod James and Lily,' grunts Sirius, grabbing Remus by the hips and switching their positions. He pushes his leg between Remus' as he catches the man's lips in another kiss. 'Let's go and find my motorbike. I want to see you across those handlebars.'

Remus breaks free again and mutters hoarsely, 'Sirius – '

'All right, fine,' interjects Sirius. 'I'll be on the bars if that's what you want. I'm willing to negotiate.' He ducks his head to nip at Remus' clavicle. 

'Lily – ' pants Remus, attempting to pull himself away from Sirius, ' – Lily said she'd bring a film.'

Sirius' head perks up instantly as he asks, 'Star Wars?'

Remus rolls his eyes as he straightens his shirt. 'I don't know, Sirius,' he says. 'What I do know is that if either of us ends up across your handlebars, you'll never find out.'

Sirius rolls his lower lip between his teeth, thinking as he eyes Remus' throat with hungry eyes. Finally, he sighs and says, 'Fine. But they better leave early.'

Remus smiles and pats Sirius' cheek as he walks by him to start the dinner preparations. Sirius only glares at Sam.

Two hours later finds Sirius lounging on their sofa, eyes narrowed and staring suspiciously at their television. At some point, their nice evening had taken a turn for the worse, and Sirius has slowly narrowed down the suspects to the film they're watching and, by extension, their television. He's beginning to debate with himself over giving the telly a name, because as it stands, it and their bed are the only two objects left in his and Remus' flat that remain nameless. Sirius glares at the television. A woman squawks and flaps around on the screen in answer.

Lily hadn't brought Star Wars, which had been disappointing, but Sirius had still retained his high hopes. Five minutes into the film, those hopes had run screaming for the hills. Sirius isn't sure what the title is, and to be honest, he doesn't care. All he knows is that it's some sort of romance and comedy crammed together, but there's more mushy romantic stuff than Sirius can tolerate in any right state of mind. 

Sirius removes his eyes from the arguing man and woman on the screen and studies the others. James and Lily are seated together in the armchair, Lily crowing with delight at the antics of the characters while James smiles and snuggles closer to his wife. Sirius can understand this scene. James is married; he has a woman to please. He has no choice but to watch silly films that women blubber at and at least pretend to enjoy them. Sirius turns to Remus, who is seated on the sofa beside him and chuckling happily at the film as well. This also makes sense. Remus is basically a girl; Sirius has been saying this for years. 

He switches his gaze back to the screen and shifts on the sofa. Sirius wants desperately to stretch his legs out across Remus' lap, but Remus had nearly shoved him off the sofa when they'd first sat down, saying that after what happened last time (which involved Sirius becoming excited by a scene in Star Wars and kicking Remus squarely in the jaw), Sirius was never putting his feet in Remus' lap ever again. Sirius huffs and crosses his arms over his chest. He can't help that he flails when he's excited. 

After another ten minutes, Sirius gives up and shoves himself off the sofa, heading into the kitchen. He rummages around in the cupboards until he finds a bottle of Firewhiskey and a glass. He's going to need something stronger than tea if he's going to make it through this film. As he walks towards the door, he pauses and points at Sam in the window. 

'This is all _your_ fault,' he says venomously. The tomato says nothing in reply, sitting happily on the ledge over the sink, red, round, and shining. 

Sirius growls as he sets the bottle and glass down on the counter and walks to the window. He flings it open, grabs the tomato, and hurls it outside. It hits with a satisfying _splat_ on the bricks of the neighbouring building. Sirius closes this window and dusts off his hands, proud of a job well done.

An hour and one mind-numbing film later, Sirius sits up quickly, feeling more excited than he has all day. 'Is it really over?' he asks desperately when he sees credits begin to flash across the screen.

Remus sighs wearily. 'Yes, Sirius. It's over.'

'Thank Merlin,' cries Sirius, flopping back onto the sofa in relief. Remus shakes his head. 'Can someone _please_ tell me the point of all that? I mean, all I saw was loads of accidents, arguments, a wedding, more arguments, a suicide – which, by the by, would have made it slightly more interesting, but then it was _fake_ \-- and maybe some sort of happily ever after thing. Though, I'm not sure about that part. I stopped paying attention after the wedding.'

'Black, you're so crude,' says Lily, pulling herself up in the armchair and stretching. 'You didn't see the magic in it? They kept losing and finding one another again and again. They were meant to be.'

Sirius stares at the woman before him in astonishment as her eyes slowly flood with stars. 'Magic!' he crows. 'You call that magic? I can show you some magic, and that, my dear Lily, had nothing to do with it.'

'I don't see why you can't understand this,' says Lily in exasperation. 'You're _gay_ , Sirius.'

Sirius gapes. 'What's that got to do with it?'

Lily huffs. 'I thought gay men were supposed to understand these sorts of things,' she explains. 'Remus does.'

'Remus doesn't count. Remus is essentially a woman, with the exception of his dangly bits,' says Sirius with a snort, motioning in the general direction of said bits. 

Remus rolls his eyes. 'Love you, too, Sirius,' he says sardonically.

'Yeah, yeah,' mutters Sirius, flapping a hand in front of Remus' face for him to hush, too focused to pay attention.

Lily sighs and throws her hands up. 'I'm going home,' she says, leaning down and placing a kiss on Remus' cheek. 'Explain it to him, will you, Remus, dear?'

'I'll try my best,' promises Remus. 

Sirius snorts. 'You can try.' Remus glares at him. Sirius turns to James. 'Did _you_ get it?'

James looks at Lily and shrugs, one side of his mouth pulling upwards in a half-smile. 'I do if she tells me to,' he says happily.

Lily smiles. 'Good boy,' she says, kissing James' temple.

'Moony!' cries Sirius, turning to Remus and clinging to his arm. 'We've lost him! We've finally lost Prongs!'

Remus gazes up at their two friends, a small smile on his lips and a softness in his eyes. 'We lost him years ago, Pads,' he murmurs.

'Oh. Right,' says Sirius with a grin. 

Lily leans over and taps him on his nose with a finger. 'Be good,' she says, eyes fond. Sirius winks at her as Remus walks them out. 

Sirius stands and heads back into the kitchen, placing what's left of the Firewhiskey back into the cupboard. He goes to the sink and sets his empty glass down in the steel bowl. When he looks back up, he stops and stares. He hears something behind him, but he doesn't pay any attention to it, still staring at the window.

Remus sidles up beside him and touches his arm. 'Sirius?' he says in puzzlement. 'Why are you staring at that tomato?'

Sirius slowly turns his gaze to Remus, eyes full of accusation and the smallest bit of pride. 'You _did_ charm it!' he cries.

Remus looks between Sirius and the tomato for a moment before a slow grin spreads across his face. He takes Sirius' hand in his and pulls gently. 'Come to bed, Sirius,' he murmurs, leading a still stunned Sirius from the kitchen.

The next morning, Sirius awakes and journeys down the hall to the kitchen. When he walks through the door, he stops and rubs at his bleary eyes, thinking that the room is awfully red. He stares around for a long minute before he whimpers, backs out of the room, and shouts, 'Remus!'

Remus comes traipsing from their bedroom, curious befuddlement written across his features. Sirius glares, knowing better than to believe it, too many days spent trying to talk their way out of their professors' claws. 

'Why are you shouting, Sirius?' asks Remus. 'It's far too early for that.'

Sirius kicks the door open with his toe. Remus takes a step inside and gazes around for a few minutes before he says, 'Looks like Sam found a mate last night.'

'A mate?' squeaks Sirius. Remus' eyebrows rise. Sirius clears his throat and tries again. 'A mate? Try twenty! There are five hundred tomatoes in our kitchen!' 

Remus hums to himself as his eyes travel around the room. 'Yes, I see the problem,' he mumbles. He walks further into the room and pokes at a couple tomatoes. He turns back and looks at Sirius. 'I suppose you should start thinking of names,' says Remus with a smirk. Sirius throws a tomato at his head.


End file.
